The leaves on trees shift rapidly in color, a crisp chill creeps into the air, and my work announces the annual Pumpkin Carving Contest.
My first year at the bank I thought "Why the Halloween not!" Before I knew it an orange mass had been delivered to my station. Ecstatic, I drove the squash home and then promptly forgot. Fast forward three days... 8:20AM my telephone (and by telephone, I mean cellphone) rings.
ME: Hello?!
JS: Hey KP, what are you doing?
ME: Well I just woke up, realized I was supposed to carve a pumpkin for work today, and have to be there in thirty minutes.
JS: Shit! Really? Are you going to get it done?
ME: Well right now I'm in my pajamas straddling the pumpkin with a stencil and a tiny orange saw. All I know for sure is I will not be showering before work and there are pumpkin seeds stuck to my kitchen ceiling.
This is the result:
And this is me not showered holding the result:
At the end of the day I walked out of the bank with first place bragging rights and a set of candle holders I can only assume were one of those bonus gifts you get from the Avon lady when you buy over 100 dollars worth of cosmetics.
Skip through a whole year and voila! It's pumpkin carving contest 2010 and this time I had a title to defend. A twenty minute stencil from the back of a carving book at Walmart wasn't going to cut it. Commence research! Before I could say "Bing!", an entire world a pumpkin art popped on my 2002 Windows monitor. We're talking actually portraits with shading and contrast carved into a garden vegetable; My mind had been officially blown. I knew what I had to do to secure my win.
An entire night of carving (literally 12 hours), left me sleepily shampooing my hair before work, exhausted yet completely satisfied with the accomplishment I now had sitting in my living room ready to compete for a second year title.
By the grace of the Redbull gods, I was able to pose long enough with my eyes open to take this picture:
Now here's the thing about truly masterful pumpkin carving; as you may have noticed from the above picture, it looks completely bonk without light behind it. They kind of remind me of those ink blot tests psychiatrists make you take (Question: Do they still give those tests or do docs just skip straight onto the Xanax prescriptions now?). Anywho... let's avoid that awkward over medicated debate and instead look at what my carving looked like in its full glowing glory:
Guess what?! That JDepp mug won me a second year pumpkin carving championship and a $5 gift card to the movie theatres! (FYI a movie costs $7.50 here).
So here I am, one year later:
Scraping and carving and whittling and cursing endless hours away. All in the name of a title, a title that signifies unmatched glory (which I make sure to bring up during performance reviews ;). This year much more is at stake though... if my carving can beat out the competition once again, my entire branch will win a pizza party. That's at least 5 pizzas of varying toppings multiplied by $5 (I'm of course using the Little Ceasar's calculation method) equals the largest prize to date!
This year though, they're throwing in a twist. It's up to the bank customers. So on Monday the 31st if you find yourself without anything to do for ten minutes, mosey on over the the main Hilltop bank branch on country club road to vote! While you're there grab yourself a cup of complimentary coffee, on me. If they say you can't vote without an account, just wait until the lady at the front desk looks away; then drop multiple votes in. I promise with the Pumpkin Carving title I will not abuse my power; heck I'll even share some of the pizza.
All this political campaigning aside, if you want to learn how to turn your desk into a delightful disaster such as this:
Let me know! I would love nothing more than to pass on my pumpkin carving knowledge. It's extremely cathartic and an amazing new way to exercise the right side of your brain. Not to mention super fucking cool.
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